The Military Hermaphrodite
by Queenphoenix
Summary: The sequel to 'The Military Transvestite'. Hughes meddles in the mortal world and Roy gets Al pregnant. That means: Shonenai, Mpreg. Rated M just for safety.
1. Guardian Angel Hughes

This story is the sequel to 'The Military Transvestite'.

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA. Never have, never will.

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**Guardian Angel Hughes**

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Hughes giggled wickedly as he thought about what he was going to do. After shoving 2,546 photos of Elysia-chan under the big boss' nose, he'd finally got permission to visit the mortal world.

Hughes clipped a pair of fluffy white chibi wings on the back on his glowing white robes and strode off along the clouds. Two minutes later he came rushing back, grabbed his halo and ran off again, robes flapping behind him.

* * *

Al lay next to Roy, sleeping peacefully. After a year of dating, Roy had finally convinced Al to move in with him. It had been another three months before they could convince Ed to let him.

Al sighed and snuggled up to Roy as music softly began to play. It seemed to be coming from nowhere. As it got louder, the lyrics could be made out. _'I like big butts and I cannot lie…'_

Hughes appeared, dancing away to the music. Al, always the light sleeper, woke up. He sat up in bed and stared at Hughes. Then he leaned over and nudged Roy. "Wake up"

"Nnnnn… just ten more minutes…" Roy's voice was muffled by his pillow. Al poked him again.

"What? Oh, fine…" muttered Roy. He sat up, and froze mid-yawn as he caught sight of Hughes, still dancing away.

"…Hughes?" he said in a shocked voice.

"Yo!" Hughes stopped dancing and grinned. "Long time no see!"

"Uh huh" Roy was taking this fairly well. "What's with the music?"

Hughes shrugged. "I switched the tapes. Heralding trumpets are so last century"

Suddenly, the music stopped. It was quickly replaced by a slightly crackly fanfare of trumpets. Hughes looked up, miffed. "Hey!" he complained to the ceiling. "I like that song!"

"Just get on with it" boomed the ceiling in reply. It was followed by muffled voices. "…Can't believe this. This is ridiculous. You know how many photos that damn man has? Two thousand, five hun – did anybody turn that microphone off?"

There was a click, then silence. Roy and Al stared at the ceiling, severely disillusioned. Then they turned back to Hughes and stared at him. Hughes grinned at them. Eventually, Roy broke the silence. "Umm… Hughes?"

"Yes?"

"You're wearing football socks and sandals"

"Damn!" said Hughes. "I knew there was something I missed!"

"And a dress"

"It's a robe" Hughes rolled his eyes. "It's traditional"

"And your wings are crooked"

"I was in a hurry to see you"

"Is that a fluffy halo-headband?"

"It's so cute, isn't it!"

"And your dress has short-circuited"

Hughes looked down at his robe. "It has too. Damn budget cuts"

There was another round of silence, then Roy climbed out of bed and thew an arm around his friend. "It's good to see you again"

"Roy?" commented Hughes.

"Yeah?"

"You're naked" (A/N: This is for all you fangirls who missed out in the prequel )

Roy looked around desperately for something to cover himself up with. Grabbing a pillow and holding it over his privates, he shuffled over and grabbed yesterday's pants, which were lying on the floor. He quickly pulled them on.

"So why are you here?" he asked when he was done. "This is just my opinion, but most dead people stay dead"

"I am dead. Can't you tell? I'm an angel" he fluttered his hands and bounced on the spot to emphasise his point.

"Uh huh. Stop avoiding the question"

Hughes grinned mischievously. "Can't I visit some old friends?"

Roy smirked. "See, the thing is, most dead people don't"

Hughes smirked right back at him. "Most dead people aren't me"

Roy laughed at that. "True" he admitted.

Hughes strode over to Al and placed a hand on his shoulder. "I wanted to congratulate you two on getting together. And to tell you that you'd better behave, Roy, 'cause I'll be watching"

"I always knew you were a pervert" muttered Roy.

Hughes laughed. A white light passed over Al before Hughes removed his hand. It went unnoticed. Well, almost unnoticed. Roy narrowed his eyes. "What did you do to Al?"

"Me? I didn't do anything" denied Hughes, the picture of innocence. Roy stared at him suspiciously.

"Honest!" insisted Hughes.

Roy continued to stare at him, sure his friend was up to something, then shrugged and let it drop.

"Hey, since I'm here I should go visit Gracia and Elicia!" said Hughes and he headed for the door. An invisible force dragged him back. Actually, Roy and Al could see the hooks and wire, but for our purposes, it was invisible. Hughes dug his heel into the floor, resisting with all his might. Two evenly-spaced rents appeared in the carpet. "But I wanna see my family…" whined Hughes.

"No" boomed the ceiling.

A shaft of light appeared, focused on Hughes. He slowly drifted through the ceiling, nagging and complaining as the wires dragged him away.

Roy and Al were left blinking at where Hughes had been.

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Well, that's the first chapter. It's a little parody about the inner workings of heaven. Hope you enjoyed it.

I know Hughes' wife's name is officially 'Glacier', but I always thought it was 'Gracia' and personally I think 'Gracia' suits her more. So it stays that way.

Please review – reviews are my virtual ramen. Even flames are accepted.

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	2. Weird Dream

Disclaimer: I tried to buy Fullmetal Alchemist on ebay…

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**Weird Dream

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**

Al woke up. That was a really weird dream he'd had.

He softly smiled and ran his fingers over Roy's chest, then kissed him to wake him up.

"Mmmmm…" Roy liked waking up to this. He began to kiss Al back. Eventually they broke the kiss. "Are you feeling ok?" Roy asked.

"Yes, of course. Why?"

"Well… Hughes…"

"You mean it wasn't a dream!"

Roy smirked. "It was too strange to have been a dream. No, that was Hughes alright"

Al nodded slowly. "I suppose so…"

Roy looked seriously at his lover. "You're sure you're ok? You don't feel any different?"

Al nodded decisively. "I'm fine"

Roy smirked, a predatory look appearing in his eyes. "Well in that case…"

* * *

Roy and Al lay together in the aftermath of sex. Roy twirled his fingers in Al's hair.

"You're an ertomaniac, you know that?" complained Al.

Roy laughed. "Want another round?" he suggested.

"No way! You're late for work as it is!"

"Work!" Roy jumped out of bed and started running around like a headless chicken. "Why didn't you tell me!" he squawked.

Al looked on in amusement. "I tried" He climbed out of bed and hit Roy over the head to calm him down. "You wouldn't listen"

Al handed Roy his uniform. This scenario had become fairly routine for them.

"Don't forget to brush your teeth!" Al called after Roy as he hopped towards the door, trying to pull his boots on as he went. Roy turned around and hopped back toward the bathroom. Finally getting his boots on, he grabbed the toothbrush Al handed him and shoved it in his mouth. As he brushed his teeth with one hand, he did his best to shave with the other.

Al sprayed him with deodorant to cover any sex smell – he didn't have enough time for a shower – then he rushed out the door and off to work. He came back two minutes later to pull his miniskirt on.

* * *

Riza aimed her gun at Roy's head. "You're late" she said in a calm voice that threatened death. "Again"

Being pregnant had made Riza extremely grumpy, and this morning it seemed she had chosen to take it out on Roy.

Roy tried his best to explain as he cowered behind his desk. "But Riza, last night –"

"I do not want to know what you did last night" Riza shuddered.

"No! I –"

Riza clicked off the safety…

"But Hughes –"

And fired. Roy yelled as his desk exploded in front of him. Thankfully, he was saved from further torment by Riza's morning sickness, which had not yet stopped her coming to work. The woman rushed toward the bathroom, and almost made it. Keyword: Almost. She instead threw up on Ed's boots. This made Ed grumpy. And of course, he decided to take it out on Roy.

Roy was in for a bad day…

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Well that's the second chapter. Sorry it's so short. I'm gonna skip a few week in the story, next chapter will be set maybe six weeks later. Cause that's where the fun starts… 


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist.

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Roy awoke to the sound of Al being sick in the bathroom. Grimacing at this highly pleasant way to be woken up, he climbed out of bed and went to investigate what was wrong.

Al assured him that he was fine, he was just a little nauseous, and all but ordered Roy to put on his uniform and go to work. Roy, though he grumbled about it, obeyed.

Upon finding that he was, in fact, early, he decided to indulge in a long, hot shower. Actually, make that scorching. He was the Flame Alchemist, after all.

Roy climbed out of the shower just as Al missed the basin. Roy stared in horror at the vomit which now covered his feet.

"Sorry…" Al apologized weakly.

"Don't worry about it" muttered Roy, before cleaning up the mess.

By then he was late. He pulled on his uniform and rushed out the door.

* * *

Upon arriving at work, he sprinted into the office and promptly tripped over Ed. Roy had just enough time to hit the floor, hard, before Ed went psycho.

"IS THAT A NEW WAY OF POINTING OUT THAT I'M SO MICROSCOPIC EVEN AN ANT WOULD TRIP OVER ME!" he roared.

Roy sighed. Ed wasn't that short anymore, but every once in a while he forgot that fact.

Just then, Riza walked up. "Edward, please try to remember that you've grown" she sighed. Then her expression turned deadly dangerous. "Colonel, you're late again" she growled in a low voice.

Roy paled and stepped back almost imperceptively. "S-sumimasen" he stammered. "Al wasn't feeling very well this morning"

Ed, who had been sulking, looked up. "What's wrong with him!" he asked sharply.

"He says he's just a little nauseous" Roy explained. Seeing Ed's expression, he quickly added "I would have stayed with him but he made me leave"

Riza clapped her hand to her mouth and rushed off to the bathroom. Ed and Roy heard her throwing up.

"Actually, Al did something like that…" Roy said thoughtfully, staring after Riza.

"What do you mean, 'something like that'?" Ed asked suspiciously.

"…"

Ed glared at him. "Well?"

"…Ok, so it was exactly like that…"

Roy turned around and strode purposely out of the building. Ed ran after him. "Where are you going?" he demanded.

Roy glanced at him. "I'm taking Al to the doctor"

* * *

"Why do I have to go to the doctor?" asked Al in a small voice.

Roy sighed. "Because… I think you might have morning sickness"

Al stared at him. "Doesn't that only happen when you're pregnant?"

"…" Roy looked away.

"Roy!" Al exclaimed in a shocked voice. "You of all people should know I'm a guy! Guys don't get pregnant!"

"…"

"What's that supposed to mean!"

"Just see the doctor? Please?"

Al sighed. "Fine. But put me down! I can walk, you know"

They entered the doctor's surgery. Al chose that moment to throw up. On the doctor. Roy stared at the yellow bile that dripped down the doctor's white coat, and quickly began to apologize.

The doctor simply shrugged off his coat and grabbed another one. "You know, most people just tell me what's wrong" he joked. "They don't find it necessary to demonstrate"

He sat down at his desk and indicated that Roy and Al should take a seat. "So, other than the vomiting, what is the problem?"

"I'm just a little nauseous, that's all" Al replied. "Other than that, I'm fine, but Roy made me come here."

"So that's all?" asked the doctor.

"… He thinks I'm pregnant" Al moaned.

Other than a slight widening of his eyes, the doctor was very professional about this comment. "I see. And you're male?"

"Yes! I can't be pregnant!"

The doctor turned to Roy. "Why do you think he's pregnant?" he enquired. "I see you're a state alchemist. Have you been doing any experiments lately?"

"No" Roy smirked "But I have other reasons to believe it may be possible"

Al tried to think what he meant. "…Hughes?"

Roy nodded.

The doctor wisely decided he didn't want to know, and simply handed Al a pregnancy test and directed him to the nearest bathroom.

* * *

When Al came back he looked as though he didn't whether to jump for joy or panic. "We're going to have a child…" he sounded like he couldn't believe it.

Roy smirked and punched the air. "Yes! I'm going to be a daddy! And you're… uh… you're going to be…?"

"I'm not even going to think about that" muttered Al "But you know Nii-san isn't exactly going to be thrilled"

Roy paled. He'd been trying to forget about that, and had succeeded well up until now. Ed was going to be furious. Roy was doomed.

"Can't we just not tell him?" he asked hopefully.

"No"

"Damn"

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Hoi hoi! Chapter three done! This chapter was really hard. My mother freaked out when I started quizzing her about morning sickness and pregnancy. I think you guys can imagine…

Anyway, please review.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I couldn't buy Fullmetal Alchemist if I tried

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**Chapter 4

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**

Ed ambushed Roy the moment he got back to work. "Well! What did the doctor say!" he demanded.

Roy tried to slip away. He really didn't want to deal with this right now.

Ed, however, was not going to let him get away. He advanced on Roy. "Tell me what's wrong with my brother!" he growled.

Roy glanced pleadingly at Riza. He didn't find any help there. She was busy throwing up yet again. Havoc patted her back helplessly.

Roy took a deep breath. Ed would have to be told eventually. He briefly considered that Ed might not like the news being announced in the middle of Central HQ, but reasoned that if he was going to be maimed he wanted at least a dozen witnesses.

"Th-the doctor said Al is pregnant"

There was a dead silence in the building, then a hushed whispering that gradually got louder and louder until it reached a deafening volume, as the news was spread throughout HQ and then the world.

"Are you serious?" Ed asked in a dangerous voice.

"Yes" Roy looked away. He really didn't want to be here right now.

"WHAT! YOU BASTARD! YOU GOT MY BROTHER PREGNANT! HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET MY BROTHER PREG –" Several people dragged him away, kicking and screaming and yelling death threats at Roy.

Roy sighed. Al would have to talk Ed around. Right now, though, Roy wanted to talk to Havoc and Riza.

"Um… Jean, Riza, can I ask you two something?" he asked nervously.

"Sir?"

"… How can I help Al?"

"Just be there to support him. That's the best thing you can do" said Riza

"And let him eat whatever he wants" advised Havoc "No matter how weird it is"

"What do you mean 'weird'?" Roy was starting to panic.

"Well, the other day Riza wanted strawberry gelato with mustard. And before that it was roast pork with chocolate sauce and wasabi. And before that–"

"He gets the point" cut in Riza hurriedly.

Havoc laughed and gave her a one-armed hug. "Ok then"

Roy stared at him. "Are you serious! We don't even have wasabi!"

* * *

Roy strode through the aisles of a supermarket. "Wasabi… wasabi… where the hell is all the wasabi!"

Finally spotting the wasabi, he scooped the entire contents of the shelf into his hand-basket and rushed to the checkout.

* * *

When Roy got home, Al was talking to Ed, who seemed to have accepted that Al was pregnant and was now excited at the thought of being an uncle. Though he was still furious at Roy.

They looked up as Roy came in, and stared at the grocery bag he was carrying, which was spilling over with wasabi.

Deciding not to ask, Al informed Roy that they had to go to Rizenbul to tell the news to Winry and Pinako. Apparently, it was too important an occurrence to simply tell them over the phone. Al exclaimed that he just had to see Winry's face when they told her.

Roy shuddered. That was something he'd much rather miss, if it was all the same. However, he consented to go.

* * *

Hmmm… Roy has latched onto the idea of the wasabi and he's not letting go. He won't admit it, but he's in over his head here. Maybe the wasabi will become a main theme in this story…?

As always – well, nearly always – I'm gonna beg for reviews and tell you guys I'll accept anything, even flames…


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. All I own is about a million pictures on my laptop. You know – Psycho Ed, Cute Ed, Sexy Ed, Naked Ed, RoyEd… -Author goes into fangirl mode-

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**Chapter 5**

"Winry! We have some guests!"

Winry dropped the automail she was working on. "How bad is it!" she wailed. "I'm afraid to look! My poor, beautiful automail! Noooooo!" She pulled out her wrench as an evil glint appeared in her eyes. "I'm going to kill him! I'm going to kill him soooooo dead!" she announced.

"Put it away" said Pinako. "You're automail is fine"

"Don't spare me!" said Winry dramatically. "I can take it!"

"I'm sure you can" said Pinako "But your automail is fine"

Winry blinkd. "You're serious?"

Pinako nodded. Winry started wriggling with joy. "Oh my god! We actually got a visit that wasn't due to the destruction of my automail!"

Something occurred to her. She stopped wriggling and froze. "There's a catch, isn't there? Something else has happened"

Pinako sighed. "Probably" she admitted.

"Oh well. Let's go find out what it is, then"

"What do you mean, you're pregnant!" Everyone in the room winced and covered their ears, but Winry was just getting started.

"COLONEL MUSTANG HOW DARE YOU DO THAT TO OUR AL!" She turned to Al. "Oh my god, I'm actually going to be an auntie!" she squealed.

Al nodded. Winry's expression turned furious again instantly as she turned back to Roy. "HOW ON EARTH DID YOU MANAGE TO GET HIM PREGNANT!"

Roy cowered in his seat. "Well–"

"NO!" Winry held her hand to her eyes in the classic pose of long-suffering martyrdom. "I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!"

She turned back to Al. Her expression turned excited. "What are you going to call it!"

"We don't know yet" said Al. "But can you stop yelling at Roy? The rest of us are going deaf"

"Oh, I'm sorry. He just makes me so ANGRY!" she screamed "HOW COULD YOU–" She was dragged away by Pinako.

"Why me?" whimpered Roy.

It was decided that Al, Roy and Ed remain at the Rockbell's for a couple of weeks. Poor Roy resigned himself to two weeks of living hell – he would, after all, be living under the same roof as both Winry and Edward.

Al, though he knew Roy wasn't too happy about the arrangements, was glad for the chance to spend some time with his family.

Throughout the two weeks, Roy could be found skulking about any dark corners he could find, hiding from either Winry or Ed alternately.

Al and Pinako tried their best to keep the peace, but the two blondes were adamant that Roy was a bastard and not good enough for their Al.

Finally, Al, Roy and Ed returned to Central. Lord knows how Ed had managed to get two weeks off like that… actually, we do too. Riza Hawkeye truly was a marvel. Even pregnant, she could run a whole country.

When Roy got back to work, HQ was a shambles. Riza had finally consented to take the day off, Havoc having convinced her that the military could survive without her for one day. Apparently, Havoc was wrong.

Roy stared at Breda, stuck to the ceiling, hiding from Capt. Thomas, who had apparently tried to hit on him.

While Roy's attention was focused on the man on the ceiling, he tripped over one of Sheska's many piles of books and landed on a random gadget, crushing it to smithereens. She and Fuery were comparing obsessions on the floor.

Roy tried to pick himself up off the floor, but was knocked flat on his face by Falman, who was swinging from the ceiling fan, obviously drunk. The evidence was in the three dozen or so beer bottles lying around on the floor in-between books and gadgets.

Armstrong and his sparkles were posing in a corner. Their audience had long ago been KO'd by light exposure.

Breda finally lost his grip on the ceiling and fell, just missing Roy. He instead fell right on top of Capt. Thomas, squashing the poor man flat.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!" Roy roared. Everyone who was conscious froze. All that could be heard was the squeaking of the ceiling fan as it continued to propel a suddenly stiff Falman round and round and round and… well, you get the point.

"You have thirty seconds to clean up this mess and get back to work" Roy said in a dangerously low voice, doing his best impersonation of Riza. There was a sudden scramble of activity.

In exactly 29.5 seconds the place was spotless. Well, spotless except for the pile of bodies in the corner, which Breda had made sure Capt. Thomas was at the bottom of.

Once he was sure everyone was working, Roy sat down at his desk – leaving his office door open – and began to do his paperwork. That was the only reason he'd ever go near the hated stuff of his own accord – to show everyone else that they'd been bad, bad, bad dogs.

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I'm running out of ideas here, so I'm going to skip a bit more time and go straight to the birth. Hehe, Roy's so gonna freak out…

Please review, flames accepted, blah, blah, blah…


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist

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**Chapter 6**

"Roy! Roy, wake up!" Al pushed hard at Roy.

"Nnnn…"

"Roy! I think the baby wants out!"

Suddenly Roy was wide awake. "What! But it's not due for another two months!"

"Did anyone try telling that to it!" Al's face contorted with pain for a few seconds.

"Shit!" exclaimed Roy. He jumped out of bed and ran to get dressed, grabbing random items of clothing and pulling them on. When he was done, he grabbed the car keys. "Ok, lets go"

Al stared at him. "I'm not going anywhere with you looking like that"

"Huh?" Roy looked down at himself and grimaced. His uniform jacket and the pink and green polka-dot miniskirt Al had bought him as a joke were never meant to be put together.

Getting rid of the skirt, he grabbed a pair of pants and pulled them on.

When he was finally ready, he picked up Al and carried him to the car, ignoring the other man's protests that he could still walk.

He then drove at top speed to the hospital, narrowly missing several pedestrians on the way, and flattening another.

Arriving at the hospital, he grabbed Al and ran for the doctor.

Roy was told by several people to stay in the waiting room, however the distraught alchemist stopped all such orders, scaring everyone half to death by the look on his face as he set some poor nurse's hair on fire.

"OH GOD! MAKE IT STOP!" Screamed Al. "ROY! HELP ME!"

Roy helplessly held Al's hand. "It's ok! It's all going to be fine…!" he muttered repeatedly, as much to himself as to Al.

Roy freaked out as Al screamed in agony, then fainted. "AL! AL! DON'T DIE! I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU!" he howled.

The doctors developed a severe case of sweatdrops as the older alchemist threw himself on top of his unconscious lover and bawled.

Through some miracle, they managed to work around the distraught man, and three hours later, an exhausted Al was cooing at his newborn children – twins, a boy and a girl – as Roy stared over his shoulder in awe. "They're so tiny…" he muttered. "Now what the hell do we do with them?"

Al laughed softly. "It can't be that hard" he whispered.

"But what if they break?" Roy wanted to know.

"They're not going to break. Not if you're careful" Al held a child out to Roy. Roy took it gingerly. "What if I drop it?"

There was no reply from Al. He was already asleep.

Well, you guys are really lucky – this was going to be the last chapter. It was just too hard for me. It was going stale. But I think I managed to rescue it, so it's going to continue as Al and Roy struggle with parenthood.

* * *

My best friend won't have anything to do with this fic, and I need help with it, so if anybody out there wants to volunteer to have ideas bounced off them, I would be very grateful.

And folks, these kids need names. Maybe you guys have a name you particularly like? Suggest a few please. I need to name Riza's baby boy as well.


	7. Chapter 7

This is now officially my longest story ever! Seven chapters… that's a little sad, now that I think about it…

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist

* * *

**Chapter 7**

Al and the babies were kept in hospital for a week for observation – the doctors wanted to see if the strange birth would have any strange side-effects.

Finally, they were allowed to go home. Roy once again carried a protesting Al inside and placed him in bed. The second Roy's back was turned, however, Al was out of bed and managed to vacuum the floor just to prove his point before Roy could convince him to go back to bed.

However, now Al had managed to convince Roy that he was fine, Roy was now convinced that Al was up to doing other things as well. Roy proceeded to molest the younger man.

The twins, fortunately for them, slept through the whole thing. Roy and Al eventually fell asleep, exhausted by their activities.

Two minutes later, they were woken by a horrible wailing sound.

"WHERE'S THE AIR-RAID!" screamed a panicked Roy Mustang, leaping out of bed and running around wildly.

Al simply handed him a screaming child. Stopping in his tracks, Roy accepted it. He blinked at the boy, holding it at an arms length, unsure what to do with it.

Al sighed in exasperation. "Like this" he said, demonstrating what to do as he calmed their daughter down.

Roy tentatively adjusted his hold on his son and tried to copy Al.

Eventually, both children had quieted to a merely deafening volume. Presuming they were hungry, Roy hurriedly heated some formula – burning the first batch when he announced that it was taking too long and decided to use his flame – while Al located the source of the problem and changed his already rebellious daughter's nappy.

Desperately sucking on a tube of wasabi in an attempt to calm his nerves – Al had informed him that since he'd bought it, he would have to eat it, and he'd become addicted to the stuff – Roy finally rushed into their bedroom with two bottles of formula. Only to discover Al lying asleep – exhausted - in bed, with their two young demons sleeping like peaceful little angels in his arms.

Setting down the two bottles, Roy quickly grabbed a camera and snapped a picture of the adorable scene. Then, after trying for ten minutes to create a space for himself in his own bed, he gave up, kissed his family goodnight, and curled up on the floor.

* * *

Awww, now isn't that just sweet! –Author squeals like the fangirl she is-

Seriously, I love that last part when they're all asleep! I'm a sucker for scenes like that.

Sorry this was so short. They're going to be short until I get help. Anyway, please review.


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist

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**Chapter 8

* * *

**

Roy, Al and the kids sat at a café somewhere in central. Roy had taken one look at Al's pale face when he came home from work and decreed that Al needed to get out. Al had hurried to collect the babies as Roy dragged him out the door.

Al stared at the menu trying to decide between a chocolate or lime milkshake to have with his focaccia. Roy had already announced that he wanted coffee. With wasabi in it. The waitress had looked quite ill at the thought of that combination.

Finally choosing chocolate, Al relayed his decision to the nauseated waitress, who hurried off, musing that the hot ones were always gay, taken or weird. In this case, all three.

When they finally got their food – Roy called the waitress back, demanding that she put more wasabi in his coffee – they dug in, Al trying to make the twins drink their formula while at the same time eat his own food.

Roy, fiddling with his pocket, mused that Al needed more arms, and almost burst out laughing at the strange vision of an overworked, eight-armed Al that popped up in his head.

Al noticed that Roy was fiddling. "Is something wrong?" he enquired.

"Huh?" Roy was distracted from his strange imaginings. "Wrong? No!"

He looked away for a second, then abruptly stood up. Kneeling down in front of Al, he pulled a small box out of his pocket. "Will you marry me?"

Al gaped at him. After about a minute, he recovered from the shock. "Roy! Yes! Of course!"

Roy stood up, pulling Al into a sweet and passionate kiss. And their demonic daughter chose that moment to scream her head off. Al broke away to fuss over the child.

While Al was busy with the kids, Roy carefully took the ring out of the box – and promptly dropped it on the floor.

Finally, after Roy forced half the people in the café to crawl around on the floor looking for it, the ring was located and Roy slipped it onto a gently blushing Al's finger, as cheers and cat-calls rose form the crowd.

* * *

Riza jiggled her son, James, on her lap, wondering impatiently what in the world this was all about. She'd only just got back to work, after having her baby just a few days before Al. And now, not even a week after her return, Roy had called a meeting, had said it was important.

Absently pulling a pistol away from her son – the child had shown an unusual fascination with them – she muttered under her breath about why in the world Roy had to choose now to call his first meeting. He usually hated meetings almost as much as he hated paperwork.

Next to her, Havoc took a deep drag on a pen – Riza had forced him to give up smoking the second they'd realised she was pregnant. He, too, was wondering why the hell the colonel of all people had decided to call a meeting.

Staring at the pen, he thought about the ten or so empty tubes of wasabi he'd seen lying on the Colonel's office floor the other day. _'Maybe he's finally cracked…' _he thought, while still contemplating his makeshift cigarette.

Suddenly, the object of their thoughts walked into the room – on time. Or, to be exact, six minutes early. Oh horror of horrors. The world was going to end.

Riza and Havoc stared at their usually tardy boss, who, whistling cheerfully, began to set up a projector screen. Little James quickly noticed that his parents' attention had shifted away from him, and took advantage of the distraction to quietly attempt to steal back Riza's pistol.

The two week old and already very determined baby, through many hours of practice, somehow managed to get the gun out of it's holster – then promptly realised it was far too heavy, and dropped it. It was off, shooting a hole through the Colonel's miniskirt, missing his crotch by about half a centimetre.

Roy was so focused on his task that he completely failed to notice the danger presented to his manhood. He was instead absent-mindedly thankful that his ears were still intact.

Eventually, the rest of the gang trailed into the room, all in varying degrees of lateness, and the meeting began.

Roy pulled some slides out. Everyone's attention was fixed on him, wondering what was so important to make the colonel of all people call a meeting. Everyone was sure it must be something drastic.

Roy put on the first slide. Everyone stared in shock at a picture of Al and the twins.

"Look at my kids!" skited Mustang. "Aren't they just so adorable!"

He switched slides. "See, here's Elizabeth sleeping, she's so cute…"

Everyone tuned out. They came back to reality as the 'meeting' ended, just soon enough to hear "…and everyone here gets a complimentary picture of my adorable Alex and 'Bethy, to treasure forever!"

Roy rushed around handing out photographs. Everyone, still in shock, accepted them. They'd all thought they'd never have to suffer through this again when Hughes had gone.

'_I should have known he'd turn out to be a sucker for his kids…'_ thought Havoc dazedly.

* * *

Sorry about the wait, folks. I've had this and at least three further chapters written for months, but I've been too damn lazy to find a computer and post them. Everybody thank 'Da Devil' for yelling at me. 


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist.

* * *

**Chapter 9

* * *

**

Winry stepped off the train at central. Spotting Ed, she made her way over to him and tapped him on the shoulder with her wrench.

Spinning around, he would have decapitated her had she not fortunately ducked quite quickly. Holding her wrench threateningly, she glared at him.

"Jeez, Ed! Is that any way to greet a lady!"

"Lady!" Ed snorted, then grinned apologetically as she tapped her wrench warningly. "Sorry. There's been a bit of trouble lately"

"What sort of trouble?" she asked suspiciously. "The sort of trouble that'll break my precious automail?"

"No, it's just Military trouble. Don't worry about it. It's nothing"

She continued to stare at him suspiciously, sure that 'nothing' would not leave Ed tense enough to almost knock her head off.

"Really! It's nothing!" Ed insisted, seeing that she didn't believe him.

Sighing exasperatedly, she shrugged and let it drop. If Ed didn't want her to know, nothing in this world – no, not even the dreaded wrench – would make him tell her.

* * *

Ed knocked at the door of Roy and Al's house. Receiving no answer, he frowned and went to try again. "I'm sure they're expecting us…" he muttered.

Winry, growing impatient, pushed past him and slammed open the door. "Al! We're here!" she called, striding into the house.

And stopped dead.

"Aaaaagh! Why is it, every time I see you two, you're doing something!"

Al carefully disentangled himself from Roy, blushing slightly. He glanced at a clock. "I'm sorry. I thought you weren't due for another fifteen minutes…"

"And I suppose Roy suggested that was just enough time for a quickie?"

Al blushed harder. Winry never failed to shock him with her carelessly dropped innuendos. "Um… er…"

"Oh, whatever" Her tone brightened. "Where are the twins! I want to see them!"

"They're upstairs sleeping" said Al, still trying to recover from his embarrassment. "They should be waking up about now though…"

As if on cue, a horrible wail cracked the atmosphere, and almost the windows.

"That would be Elizabeth" volunteered Roy, as Al rushed up the stairs and a second scream joined the first.

Soon Al came back downstairs holding the twins, who were considerably quieter now.

"Awww!" crooned Winry as she saw them. "They're so beautiful! Al, can I hold one!"

"Sure" said Al. He gave Alexander to Winry. "This is Alex. The quieter one"

"Hey there you adorable little b… Al?"

"Yes?"

"Is that a ring?" Asked the blonde automail mechanic in a dangerous tone.

Al blushed. "…Yes" he said in a small voice.

"What!" shrieked Ed, speaking up for the first time. He grabbed Al's hand, and looked furious at the evidence he saw there. "Mustang!" he growled.

Roy backed away almost imperceptibly from the maddened auras of the two blondes. "Yes?"

"You proposed to my brother" Ed's voice was flat, and seemed to indicate that he would be quite capable of inflicting severe pain on the older alchemist.

"Nii-san!" protested Al. "I was the one who said 'yes'. It was my decision"

Ed stared at him for a long while as the world held it's breath. Then finally, he sighed. "You're right. I'm sorry. But I'm still not happy about this"

Just then, Elizabeth decided she wanted attention. And she wanted it now.

Chuckling deceptively, she reached over and pulled a still furious Winry's hair. She yelled. "Ow-ow-ow! Ed, you idiot!"

Ed scowled. "It's not me! Why do you always blame me!"

Winry blinked, and tried to dislodge her hair from the demonic child's fingers. "Oh, sorry Ed. It just usually is you…"

"You mean to say I pull your hair on a regular basis?" grumbled Ed.

"Well, no…" admitted Winry. "But the number of times you've destroyed my precious automail makes me want to tear my hair out"

"Yeah! Well, you always end up taking your frustrations out on me and beating me to a pulp!" he growled.

Winry scowled at him, still trying to free her hair, and opened her mouth to start shouting.

"Um, guys?" interrupted Al softly. "Can you two try not to argue for once?"

They stared at him. Not argue? Impossible!

Seeing the identical rebellious looks on their faces, Al sighed. "Do you guys want something to eat?" Food was always a good distraction.

Giving up the fight, both blondes nodded, Winry wincing as Elizabeth gave her hair a sharp tug.

As Al turned towards the kitchen, Winry followed him, towed by the demonic child's relentless grip on her hair.

"Hey, Al! Can you get her to let go of my hair, first?" she asked him, giving up on that battle of wills as well.

Elizabeth smiled and gave the lock of hair a sharp yank, delighted that she'd won.

Al coaxed the baby into giving up it's prize and went to get something to eat.

* * *

Hmm, one of these days I should actually put a bit of work into a chapter...

Anyway, please review!


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist.

----------------------------------

**Chapter 10**

**----------------------------------------**

Winry decided to remain in central for a few weeks so she could check out the latest tools the city had to offer. And so Ed could buy them for her, of course. That went without saying.

Finding the best hotel in town, she booked a room, which Ed discovered he was also expected to pay for.

The populace wondered why their taxes went up so suddenly…

---------------------------------

Ed wandered out of a tool shop, miserably holding every single item Winry had purchased. He hated shopping at the best of times, but when it involved Winry the task became a nightmare brought to life.

Ed cheered up considerably as he spotted Roy strolling by. The Flame Alchemist hadn't spotted him, and was as yet still unaware that his near future held a great deal of misery. Especially if Ed had anything to do with it.

"Colonel!" yelled Ed cheerfully. Just the thing to make his day improve – an opportunity to cause somebody else some misery.

Roy turned around warily. Spotting Ed, he briefly considered running away. Fast. Something in the blonde's delighted smile did not bode well for the older man. The smile reminded Roy of something, but he just couldn't quite put his finger on what it was.

"How nice of you to come by" Yep, Ed's smile was definitely freaking Roy out. Suddenly, Roy realised what is was that was making him nervous. Ed, at this very moment, closely resembled a deranged crocodile. One that wore a blonde wig. And didn't have scales.

"Yes, Sir?" Roy decided to play it safe around that creepy smile. Which took that opportunity to get wider. "Since you're here, you can help me carry the shopping!"

Roy staggered under the weight of the packages that were suddenly thrust onto him. Everything was dark. No, he had been mistaken. There was a pinprick of light in front of his left eye that he could just see through. If he manoeuvred to face his left, he could just make out a pigeon. Turning to his right, he managed to make out the light from a street lamp. It was fine, he could see.

Turning back to where he was before, he saw something unusual. He couldn't quite make out what it was, but it looked strangely familiar…

Roy dropped the shopping and dove in front of his Fuhrer, just as the gun went off.

There was an agony of pain, blood spraying everywhere, an eerie silence, and suddenly Roy was on the ground staring up at the pale faces of two shocked blondes.

"You idiot!" yelled Ed. "Why the hell did you do that!"

"You would have done the same for me" managed Roy.

"No! I wouldn't! And you know that! Tell me the real reason!"

"Does it matter?"

"Yes!" Ed was extremely frustrated.

"…" Roy tried to think through the agony. "…You're my Fuhrer?"

"I know that!"

Roy sighed, blood seeping out of his chest. "And you're Al's brother. He cares about you…" Roy's voice grew weak. He was losing too much blood.

"Stupid bastard of a Colonel!" Ed's cursing was the last thing Roy heard as he drifted into unconsciousness.

--------------------------------------

Eheh, please don't hurt me! I needed to do it! And not just because of my sadistic personality…

Review, ok!


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist.

* * *

**Chapter 11**

"So, Ed" Winry's voice was chilly. "this is nothing?"

Ed backed away from the furious woman.

Winry grabbed her wrench and stalked after him. "How could you just not tell me that somebody wants you dead! I should kill you myself!"

Ed had been forced to explain the whole situation to Winry as the waited in the emergency ward of the nearest hospital. And now she was furious that, as usual, she'd been left in the dark. She advanced on Ed, wrench held ready for action.

Luckily, Al chose that moment to come rushing in with the twins. "What's wrong! You said something about Roy! Is he hurt!" Al was distraught.

Ed and Winry postponed their argument by mutual silent agreement. Ed faced Al and sighed. "The bastard threw himself in front of a bullet" he said aggressively, using anger to cover some other, deeper emotion. "It was meant for me…" he added in a whisper, more to himself than to Al.

Al paled. "No…" he whispered worriedly. "Is he ok?"

"The doctors say he'll be fine. He's just not allowed to do any strenuous activity"

"Oh, he's going to love that…" muttered Al sarcastically.

Ed and Winry sweatdropped. "…Anyway…" managed Ed. "You should go see him…" he muttered reluctantly.

Al gaped at him. "You're telling me to go see him?"

Ed glared at him. "Just go!"

"What Ed is trying so hard not to say" interrupted Winry "is that maybe he's not so bad after all"

Al smiled at them gratefully, and went to his fiancée.

Roy moaned and opened his eyes, The first thing he saw was, of course, the ceiling.

Roy blinked at the light fixture hanging from said ceiling, wondering where the hell he was and what was that horrible smell? He tried to get up. Suddenly, the memories came flooding back, along with a sharp pain. Oh yes. That smell would be hospital. Wonderful.

Wincing at the pain, he sat up. Al, who had been sitting in one of those uncomfortable chairs that people still somehow manage to sleep in, hurriedly got up to help him. Ed and Winry stayed in their corner – Ed seemed to be sulking. Al and Winry had forced him to admit that maybe – just maybe, Ed had insisted – Roy wasn't so bad after all.

Roy was released from hospital late that night, with a stern warning not to do anything even remotely strenuous – he grumbled at the – and instructions to change the bandages every time he showered.

When they got home, Al made a point of carrying a grumbling Roy inside and putting him to bed with a mug of warm milk. It was time for some payback.

* * *

I think this might be getting a little serious. Maybe I need another elephant. One that's high on wasabi, possibly.

Anyway, please review.


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist.

* * *

**Chapter 12

* * *

**

Contrary to Al, Roy seemed to enjoy being treated as though he might break. He had a warm bed, a regular supply of wasabi coffee, and a satisfying lack of paperwork. Life was looking pretty good.

Then his colleagues decided to drop by.

Each in their own way, they tried to make him feel better about not being allowed to go to work. Riza gave him a small pile of paperwork. Ed awarded him a promotion to the rank of Brigadier General, albeit grumbling the whole time would be totally useless in that position and probably still never get his paperwork done. The little hypocrite.

After Roy had received a large pile of completely useless gifts from the rest of the office staff, he quickly 'fell asleep', leaving Al to politely show their guests the door.

* * *

Unfortunately, Roy had to return to work after only three days bliss, as the bullet wound had in all reality not been that bad.

Arriving at work, he was astonished to see a sea of kow-towing blue uniforms. In the centre of this strange ocean, up on a pedestal, posed Ed. His fan was held up high in one hand and mysterious stars and spotlights sparkled around him. Roy caught Riza's eye and promptly produced sweatdrops almost identical to those of the gun-toting blonde.

Riza walked over to explain the strange turn of events. "He ordered a daily worship period" she whispered "I think his ego has suffered because of the assassination attempt". She was obviously exasperated by her Fuhrer's latest stunt.

Roy groaned. "No way. I'm not going to worship anyone" he said flatly.

Riza looked skeptical. "Not even Al?" she wanted to know.

"Well…" Roy drew out the word. "Ok, so what if I worship Al? That doesn't mean I have to worship Ed too"

Suddenly, Ed glared at them from his pedestal. "You're supposed to be worshipping, not whispering. Bow!"

Roy instead turned and stalked into his office. Riza, after a moment's hesitation, followed him, grabbing a pile of paperwork that looked like it was on the verge of collapse on her way past.

They both completely disregarded the resulting spazz-attack, as their Fuhrer lost his cool and started yelling something about being short and easily ignored.

* * *

I'd like to thank 'Me and my God Complex' for suggesting Ed's daily worship period. I love the idea.

I don't think Roy's too keen on it though…

Anyway, review!


	13. The wedding

Well, it's been almost a year, and I've totally lost this story. It was going pretty much downhill anyway. I think it's time to finish it off once and for all.

* * *

**The wedding

* * *

**

Roy adjusted his tiny white skirt, wincing as the motion threatened to open the still not-quite-healed bullet wound.

The person responsible had been arrested and was currently on trial. He seemed to have been a lone extremist – therefore every single terrorist organization known to the military had claimed responsibility for his actions.

As soon as everything had been cleared up, Al had insisted on setting the date of the wedding – for as soon as was humanely possible. Thus, Roy's current attire.

His tiny white skirt was invisible under all the frills, and his dress shirt was made of silk. Roy had refused to wear high-heels, instead finding a pair of new, white, military style boots from somewhere. All in all, the strangest looking bride the world had ever seen.

Winry took the opportunity just then to add her finishing touch – a thin veil secured with an elegant tiara. Roy scowled at her. "Must I wear this thing?" he whined.

Winry flashed a wrench threateningly. She had warmed to the man, as Al's husband-to-be, greatly. That did not, however, mean she was going to cut him any slack.

Putting the wrench away again as the faint sound of a bridal march began to drift into the room, she pushed him towards the door. "Al's waiting" she muttered.

Roy nodded at her, then almost ran out of the room. Pausing at the aisle, he stared at Al. Damn, he couldn't wait to get that tuxedo off of him when the ceremony was finally over. Riza coughed discreetly, obvious a warning to get a move on before she pulled out her guns.

Roy took the hint. Moving forward, finally reaching the alter, his eyes locked with Al's, remaining that way as he half-listened to the ceremony taking place. Finally, they reached the part where the priest requested for anybody who protested to the union to come forward, or forever hold their peace. Roy tore his eyes away from Al's, scanning the guests nervously. Looking at Ed in particular, he was relieved to see the Fuhrer wasn't even paying attention, and was instead playing with the twins, the picture of a doting uncle. He was even letting Elizabeth gnaw with slobbery gums on the end of his braid.

As soon as the priest was satisfied that there was no objection to this strange union, he nodded. "You may now kiss the… ah… bride" he finished.

Roy lifted his veil, and proceeded to molest Al on the alter.

* * *

Hughes hung from strings somewhere around ceiling level, cackling with glee and working on his fifth heavenly roll of film.

* * *

Well, it's finished, hope it didn't suck too much. At least I didn't end up killing the lot of them 


End file.
